Do you have a toddler who needs a lot of help going to sleep? Did you put off sleep training and now you think it might be too late? Do you want to sleep train your child but are afraid to do it wrong?
You’re not alone. I was in the same boat as you when I finally made a decision to sleep train my toddler.
Read on to find out how I did it, and which colossal sleep training mistakes you MUST avoid in order to make the sleep changes as smooth as possible for your child.
Why I Waited to Sleep Train My Child
At the time I started sleep training, my daughter was 15 months old and she needed a lot of assistance falling asleep. Not only that, she was still waking up 2-3 times a night to nurse. I was losing my mind.
It’s not like I didn’t consider sleep training at all.
When she was around 6 months old I made a few feeble attempts, but I just couldn’t take hearing her crying on and on and on. She was so small, and helpless, and it seemed cruel to leave her alone to cry.
Besides, everyone said that she will start sleeping better after she turns one, just because she’s older. So I was waiting for her first birthday like a prisoner waiting for the release date.
A year went by, and nothing happened.
Our sleep routine stayed the same: breastfeeding or rocking to sleep, and night nursing 2-3 times a night.
Until one day I said: no more! Something needed to change. Either she has to start sleeping through the night, or falling asleep on her own, but something’s gotta give.
My first objective was to teach her to sleep through the night. Mama needs her nights back!
Training my Toddler to Sleep Through the Night
Because of night nursing, I slept on the couch next to her crib.
Even though I’d barely wake up to feed her and fall right back asleep, I was chronically tired every day, especially after months and months of interrupted sleep.
So I decided to start with night training.
I had a clear strategy:
- First, I remove my bed from her room and move back to my own bedroom.
- I’m still going to come up to her when she wakes up, but I won’t feed her or pick her up. I’ll just encourage her to go back to sleep.
- If she’s really fussy I’ll give her water.
The first night she was waking up every 2 hours, as usual. But to my surprise, she wasn’t fussing much when she didn’t get the boob. I was able to pat her back to sleep every time, and I didn’t even have to give her water, as I planned. She never asked!
The next night she only woke up once, around 5 am.
The night after that she slept through the night for the first time in 15 months!!!
I was shocked by how easy it was, and I was definitely kicking myself for not doing it sooner.
What the hell was I scared of? A few sleepless nights?
That’s the power of a habit – you cling to what you’re used to even when there is an obviously better way to do it.
Training my Toddler to Fall Asleep on Her Own
Encouraged by my success, a month later I sleep-trained my daughter to fall asleep on her own. It was a huge victory and my biggest parenting accomplishment (until the 2-year-old sleep regression hit, but that’s a different story).
I’m proud of this the most not because it made my life easier, but because I overcame the guilt of wanting to make my life easier.
I finally allowed myself to let go a little, and to have faith that my baby is old enough to master falling asleep on her own. And she was!
So how did I do it?
I read countless articles online, consulted sleep experts, and got advice from my mommy friends. They all said different things so in the end I did what I felt would work best with my child.
I’m gonna let her cry.
I decided against the idea of coming into her bedroom every 5 minutes to reassure her that I’m near (that seemed to make matters worse, as if I was giving her false hope and then leaving again).
I also wasn’t gonna sneak away when she wasn’t looking.
My plan was simple. I was going to
- put her in the crib,
- kiss her on the forehead,
- say “goodnight,”
- walk away,
- and let her cry it out until she falls asleep.
No looking back, no hiding by the door, no coming in to check on her. Just assume that she’ll have to fall asleep eventually, and wait for it. I expected her to cry hard, and for a long time. It wasn’t going to be fun but it had to be done.
Just like with sleeping through the night training, it took 3 nights.
3 NIGHTS! The first night she cried for an hour before falling asleep.
The second night – for 45 minutes.
On the third night, she cried for 20 minutes.
And the fourth night she didn’t cry at all. She just went to sleep. I couldn’t believe it.
It’s gonna sound horrible (don’t judge me, I’m a stay-at-home mom!) but ever since then bedtime became my favorite time of the day. It was sweet, short, and simple – just like it should be.
Even though the sleep training process turned out to be relatively simple and fast, I did make a few mistakes along the way.
So if you want to sleep-train your child and have the evenings (and the nights!) to yourself again, make sure you avoid the following sleep-training mistakes.
11 Worst Sleep Training Mistakes to Avoid
Sleep training your toddler can be a game-changer! You will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.
Nothing can improve your life as much as this.
But you want to do it right the first time, to maximize your chances of success. So here are some things to avoid.
1. Starting at the wrong time.
Are you planning to go on a trip? Do you have guests staying over? Is your child teething, sick, or going through a growth spurt?
Then it’s not the right time to start sleep training.
2. Not making a clear decision and sticking to it.
Sleep training is all about determination. Kids can sense hesitation, weakness, and uncertainty.
So you have to make a decision and stick to it no matter what.
It shouldn’t take longer than a week. Both times I sleep-trained my daughter, it took 3 nights.
3. Being too rigid.
Sleep training is tricky because every child is different. If the sleep training method you chose isn’t working, adjust. Try something else.
Just don’t abandon sleep training altogether.
4. Hoping that the sleep routine will improve on its own.
That’s the mistake I made! Wishing and hoping that one day things will get better on their own isn’t very smart if you ask me.
Your child isn’t going to give up their favorite “bad” sleeping habits willingly. You have to gently help them get there.
5. Not creating enough positive associations with sleep.
Bedtime should be a fun time filled with bonding activities like taking a bubble bath, reading a story, singing songs, cuddles, and kisses.
It shouldn’t be a scary time when mommy leaves. So try to make bedtime as warm and fuzzy as possible. Give your child plenty of attention before bedtime, and create fun bedtime rituals you can both look forward to.
6. Co-sleeping.
Co-sleeping is a personal choice, it works great for some families. But if you’re sleep training, I certainly don’t recommend it.
Even if you’re not still breastfeeding, it makes it harder to encourage a child to sleep through the night, or to fall asleep on their own.
7. Not getting the support of other caregivers.
This is an important point: everyone has to be on the same page.
The worst thing that can happen during sleep training is one parent sticking with sleep training, and the other being unsupportive, negative or actually sabotaging the efforts by “rescuing” the child.
8. Inconsistent positive reinforcement.
That’s when you’re trying to develop a new habit, but sometimes you give in to your child’s cries and pick them up (feed them, take them to your bed, etc.)
Once that happens, your child will have an almost infinite determination to break you (because they know they can).
9. Postponing.
Babies who started eating solid foods no longer need to wake up at night to eat, but they do out of habit. So most sleep specialists recommend starting sleep training around 6 months.
Even if you’re not sure about the specifics, know that your child is ready and there’s no sense in postponing.
10. Not being ready.
Don’t start until you feel ready.
It does take some mental and physical energy, so don’t start if you’re afraid “it won’t work,” “it’s too late” or “this isn’t so bad.”
Maybe you need to get really fed up first. Trust me, that moment will come sooner than you think!
11. Giving up when it’s about to pay off.
This is a phenomenon known as “the extinction burst.” It means that things get worse before they get better.
For example, you’ve been sleep training for a few nights, and there’s been some progress. Suddenly, on the third night, your child cries and protests way more than on the first few nights. You decide that it’s not working and quit.
What Are You Waiting For?
So now that you have all the information… what are you waiting for? Don’t put it off any longer.
Having a full night of sleep without waking up to feed the baby, or saying “good night” and closing the door – that’s a triumph every parent should experience.
It’s a gift that keeps on giving! You deserve that gift.
What mistakes did you make when sleep-training your child?
Related: One Weird Baby Sleep Hack to Get Your Newborn to Sleep
Lana is a San Diego-based copywriter, blogger, book author, and WAHM. Her super powers are sarcasm and making chocolate disappear. When she’s not working on her blogs or completing her doctorate in psychology, Lana enjoys crime mysteries, travel, and, regrettably, reality TV.